"I Reſume my pen to fly from thought. I was married; and we haſtened to London. I had purpoſed taking one of my ſiſters with me; for a ſtrong motive for marrying, was the deſire of having a home at which I could receive them, now their own grew ſo uncomfortable, as not to deſerve the cheering appellation. An objection was made to her[2] accompanying me, that appeared plauſible; and I reluctantly acquieſced. I was however willingly allowed to take with me Molly, poor Peggy's daughter. London and preferment, are ideas commonly aſſociated in the country; and, as blooming as May, ſhe bade adieu to Peggy with weeping eyes. I did not even feel hurt at the refuſal in relation to my ſiſter, till hearing what my uncle had done for me, I had the ſimplicity to requeſt, ſpeaking with warmth of their ſituation, that he would give them a thouſand pounds a-piece, which ſeemed to me but juſtice. He aſked me, giving me a kiſs, 'If I had loſt my ſenſes?' I ſtarted back, as if I had found a waſp in a roſe-buſh. I expoſtulated. He ſneered; and the demon of diſcord entered our paradiſe, to[3] poiſon with his peſtiferous breath every opening joy.
"I had ſometimes obſerved defects in my huſband's underſtanding; but, led aſtray by a prevailing opinion, that goodneſs of diſpoſition is of the firſt importance in the relative ſituations of life, in proportion as I perceived the narrowneſs of his underſtanding, fancy enlarged the boundary of his heart. Fatal error! How quickly is the ſo much vaunted milkineſs of nature turned into gall, by an intercourſe with the world, if more generous juices do not ſuſtain the vital ſource of virtue!
"One trait in my character was extreme credulity; but, when my eyes were once opened, I ſaw but too clearly all I had before overlooked. My huſband was ſunk in my eſteem; ſtill there are youthful emotions, which, for a while,[4] fill up the chaſm of love and friendſhip. Beſides, it required ſome time to enable me to ſee his whole character in a juſt light, or rather to allow it to become fixed. While circumſtances were ripening my faculties, and cultivating my taſte, commerce and groſs relaxations were ſhutting his againſt any poſſibility of improvement, till, by ſtifling every ſpark of virtue in himſelf, he began to imagine that it no where exiſted.
"Do not let me lead you aſtray, my child, I do not mean to aſſert, that any human being is entirely incapable of feeling the generous emotions, which are the foundation of every true principle of virtue; but they are frequently, I fear, ſo feeble, that, like the inflammable quality which more or leſs lurks in all bodies, they often lie for[5] ever dormant; the circumſtances never occurring, neceſſary to call them into action.
"I diſcovered however by chance, that, in conſequence of ſome loſſes in trade, the natural effect of his gambling deſire to ſtart ſuddenly into riches, the five thouſand pounds given me by my uncle, had been paid very opportunely. This diſcovery, ſtrange as you may think the aſſertion, gave me pleaſure; my huſband's embarraſſments endeared him to me. I was glad to find an excuſe for his conduct to my ſiſters, and my mind became calmer.
"My uncle introduced me to ſome literary ſociety; and the theatres were a never-failing ſource of amuſement to me. My delighted eye followed Mrs. Siddons, when, with dignified delicacy, ſhe played Caliſta; and I involuntarily[6] repeated after her, in the ſame tone, and with a long-drawn ſigh,
'Hearts like our's were pair'd—not match'd.'"Theſe were, at firſt, ſpontaneous emotions, though, becoming acquainted with men of wit and poliſhed manners, I could not ſometimes help regretting my early marriage; and that, in my haſte to eſcape from a temporary dependence, and expand my newly fledged wings, in an unknown ſky, I had been caught in a trap, and caged for life. Still the novelty of London, and the attentive fondneſs of my huſband, for he had ſome perſonal regard for me, made ſeveral months glide away. Yet, not forgetting the ſituation of my ſiſters, who were ſtill very young, I prevailed on my uncle to ſet[7]tle a thouſand pounds on each; and to place them in a ſchool near town, where I could frequently viſit, as well as have them at home with me.
"I now tried to improve my huſband's taſte, but we had few ſubjects in common; indeed he ſoon appeared to have little reliſh for my ſociety, unleſs he was hinting to me the uſe he could make of my uncle's wealth. When we had company, I was diſguſted by an oſtentatious diſplay of riches, and I have often quitted the room, to avoid liſtening to exaggerated tales of money obtained by lucky hits.
"With all my attention and affectionate intereſt, I perceived that I could not become the friend or confident of my huſband. Every thing I learned relative to his affairs I gathered up by accident; and I vainly endea[8]voured to eſtabliſh, at our fire-ſide, that ſocial converſe, which often renders people of different characters dear to each other. Returning from the theatre, or any amuſing party, I frequently began to relate what I had ſeen and highly reliſhed; but with ſullen taciturnity he ſoon ſilenced me. I ſeemed therefore gradually to loſe, in his ſociety, the ſoul, the energies of which had juſt been in action. To ſuch a degree, in fact, did his cold, reſerved manner affect me, that, after ſpending ſome days with him alone, I have imagined myſelf the moſt ſtupid creature in the world, till the abilities of ſome caſual viſitor convinced me that I had ſome dormant animation, and ſentiments above the duſt in which I had been groveling. The very countenance of my huſband changed; his com[9]plexion became ſallow, and all the charms of youth were vaniſhing with its vivacity.
"I give you one view of the ſubject; but theſe experiments and alterations took up the ſpace of five years; during which period, I had moſt reluctantly extorted ſeveral ſums from my uncle, to ſave my huſband, to uſe his own words, from deſtruction. At firſt it was to prevent bills being noted, to the injury of his credit; then to bail him; and afterwards to prevent an execution from entering the houſe. I began at laſt to conclude, that he would have made more exertions of his own to extricate himſelf, had he not relied on mine, cruel as was the taſk he impoſed on me; and I firmly determined that I would make uſe of no more pretexts.
"From the moment I pronounced[10] this determination, indifference on his part was changed into rudeneſs, or ſomething worſe.
"He now ſeldom dined at home, and continually returned at a late hour, drunk, to bed. I retired to another apartment; I was glad, I own, to eſcape from his; for perſonal intimacy without affection, ſeemed, to me the moſt degrading, as well as the moſt painful ſtate in which a woman of any taſte, not to ſpeak of the peculiar delicacy of foſtered ſenſibility, could be placed. But my huſband's fondneſs for women was of the groſſeſt kind, and imagination was ſo wholly out of the queſtion, as to render his indulgences of this ſort entirely promiſcuous, and of the moſt brutal nature. My health ſuffered, before my heart was entirely eſtranged by the loath[11]ſome information; could I then have returned to his ſullied arms, but as a victim to the prejudices of mankind, who have made women the property of their huſbands? I diſcovered even, by his converſation, when intoxicated, that his favourites were wantons of the loweſt claſs, who could by their vulgar, indecent mirth, which he called nature, rouſe his ſluggiſh ſpirits. Meretricious ornaments and manners were neceſſary to attract his attention. He ſeldom looked twice at a modeſt woman, and ſat ſilent in their company; and the charms of youth and beauty had not the ſlighteſt effect on his ſenſes, unleſs the poſſeſſors were initiated in vice. His intimacy with profligate women, and his habits of thinking, gave him a contempt for female endowments; and he would repeat, when[12] wine had looſed his tongue, moſt of the common-place ſarcaſms levelled at them, by men who do not allow them to have minds, becauſe mind would be an impediment to groſs enjoyment. Men who are inferior to their fellow men, are always moſt anxious to eſtabliſh their ſuperiority over women. But where are theſe reflections leading me?
"Women who have loſt their huſband's affection, are juſtly reproved for neglecting their perſons, and not taking the ſame pains to keep, as to gain a heart; but who thinks of giving the ſame advice to men, though women are continually ſtigmatized for being attached to fops; and from the nature of their education, are more ſuſceptible of diſguſt? Yet why a woman ſhould be expected to endure a ſloven, with[13] more patience than a man, and magnanimouſly to govern herſelf, I cannot conceive; unleſs it be ſuppoſed arrogant in her to look for reſpect as well as a maintenance. It is not eaſy to be pleaſed, becauſe, after promiſing to love, in different circumſtances, we are told that it is our duty. I cannot, I am ſure (though, when attending the ſick, I never felt diſguſt) forget my own ſenſations, when riſing with health and ſpirit, and after ſcenting the ſweet morning, I have met my huſband at the breakfaſt table. The active attention I had been giving to domeſtic regulations, which were generally ſettled before he roſe, or a walk, gave a glow to my countenance, that contraſted with his ſquallid appearance. The ſqueamiſhneſs of ſtomach alone, produced by the laſt night's intemperance, which[14] he took no pains to conceal, deſtroyed my appetite. I think I now ſee him lolling in an arm-chair, in a dirty powdering gown, ſoiled linen, ungartered ſtockings, and tangled hair, yawning and ſtretching himſelf. The newſpaper was immediately called for, if not brought in on the tea-board, from which he would ſcarcely lift his eyes while I poured out the tea, excepting to aſk for ſome brandy to put into it, or to declare that he could not eat. In anſwer to any queſtion, in his beſt humour, it was a drawling 'What do you ſay, child?' But if I demanded money for the houſe expences, which I put off till the laſt moment, his cuſtomary reply, often prefaced with an oath, was, 'Do you think me, madam, made of money?'—The butcher, the baker, muſt wait; and, what was[15] worſe, I was often obliged to witneſs his ſurly diſmiſſion of tradeſmen, who were in want of their money, and whom I ſometimes paid with the preſents my uncle gave me for my own uſe.
"At this juncture my father's miſtreſs, by terrifying his conſcience, prevailed on him to marry her; he was already become a methodiſt; and my brother, who now practiſed for himſelf, had diſcovered a flaw in the ſettlement made on my mother's children, which ſet it aſide, and he allowed my father, whoſe diſtreſs made him ſubmit to any thing, a tithe of his own, or rather our fortune.
"My ſiſters had left ſchool, but were unable to endure home, which my father's wife rendered as diſagreeable as poſſible, to get rid of girls whom ſhe[16] regarded as ſpies on her conduct. They were accompliſhed, yet you can (may you never be reduced to the ſame deſtitute ſtate!) ſcarcely conceive the trouble I had to place them in the ſituation of governeſſes, the only one in which even a well-educated woman, with more than ordinary talents, can ſtruggle for a ſubſiſtence; and even this is a dependence next to menial. Is it then ſurpriſing, that ſo many forlorn women, with human paſſions and feelings, take refuge in infamy? Alone in large manſions, I ſay alone, becauſe they had no companions with whom they could converſe on equal terms, or from whom they could expect the endearments of affection, they grew melancholy, and the ſound of joy made them ſad; and the youngeſt, having a more delicate frame, fell into a decline. It was with[17] great difficulty that I, who now almoſt ſupported the houſe by loans from my uncle, could prevail on the maſter of it, to allow her a room to die in. I watched her ſick bed for ſome months, and then cloſed her eyes, gentle ſpirit! for ever. She was pretty, with very engaging manners; yet had never an opportunity to marry, excepting to a very old man. She had abilities ſufficient to have ſhone in any profeſſion, had there been any profeſſions for women, though ſhe ſhrunk at the name of milliner or mantua-maker as degrading to a gentlewoman. I would not term this feeling falſe pride to any one but you, my child, whom I fondly hope to ſee (yes; I will indulge the hope for a moment!) poſſeſſed of that energy of character which gives dignity to any ſtation; and with that clear, firm ſpirit that will en[18]able you to chooſe a ſituation for yourſelf, or ſubmit to be claſſed in the loweſt, if it be the only one in which you can be the miſtreſs of your own actions.
"Soon after the death of my ſiſter, an incident occurred, to prove to me that the heart of a libertine is dead to natural affection; and to convince me, that the being who has appeared all tenderneſs, to gratify a ſelfiſh paſſion, is as regardleſs of the innocent fruit of it, as of the object, when the fit is over. I had caſually obſerved an old, mean-looking woman, who called on my huſband every two or three months to receive ſome money. One day entering the paſſage of his little counting-houſe, as ſhe was going out, I heard her ſay, 'The child is very weak; ſhe cannot live long, ſhe will ſoon die[19] out of your way, ſo you need not grudge her a little phyſic.'
"'So much the better,' he replied, 'and pray mind your own buſineſs, good woman.'
"I was ſtruck by his unfeeling, inhuman tone of voice, and drew back, determined when the woman came again, to try to ſpeak to her, not out of curioſity, I had heard enough, but with the hope of being uſeful to a poor, outcaſt girl.
"A month or two elapſed before I ſaw this woman again; and then ſhe had a child in her hand that tottered along, ſcarcely able to ſuſtain her own weight. They were going away, to return at the hour Mr. Venables was expected; he was now from home. I deſired the woman to walk into the parlour. She heſitated, yet obeyed.[20] I aſſured her that I ſhould not mention to my huſband (the word ſeemed to weigh on my reſpiration), that I had ſeen her, or his child. The woman ſtared at me with aſtoniſhment; and I turned my eyes on the ſqualid object [that accompanied her.] She could hardly ſupport herſelf, her complexion was ſallow, and her eyes inflamed, with an indeſcribable look of cunning, mixed with the wrinkles produced by the peeviſhneſs of pain.
"'Poor child!' I exclaimed. 'Ah! you may well ſay poor child,' replied the woman. 'I brought her here to ſee whether he would have the heart to look at her, and not get ſome advice. I do not know what they deſerve who nurſed her. Why, her legs bent under her like a bow when ſhe came to me, and ſhe has never been well ſince; but,[21] if they were no better paid than I am, it is not to be wondered at, ſure enough.'
"On further enquiry I was informed, that this miſerable ſpectacle was the daughter of a ſervant, a country girl, who caught Mr. Venables' eye, and whom he ſeduced. On his marriage he ſent her away, her ſituation being too viſible. After her delivery, ſhe was thrown on the town; and died in an hoſpital within the year. The babe was ſent to a pariſh-nurſe, and afterwards to this woman, who did not ſeem much better; but what was to be expected from ſuch a cloſe bargain? She was only paid three ſhillings a week for board and waſhing.
"The woman begged me to give her ſome old clothes for the child, aſſuring me, that ſhe was almoſt afraid to aſk[22] maſter for money to buy even a pair of ſhoes.
"I grew ſick at heart. And, fearing Mr. Venables might enter, and oblige me to expreſs my abhorrence, I haſtily enquired where ſhe lived, promiſed to pay her two ſhillings a week more, and to call on her in a day or two; putting a trifle into her hand as a proof of my good intention.
"If the ſtate of this child affected me, what were my feelings at a diſcovery I made reſpecting Peggy——?[22-A]
FOOTNOTES:
[22-A] The manuſcript is imperfect here. An epiſode ſeems to have been intended, which was never committed to paper.
editor.
[23]