When first I made my self acquainted with her, I thought my happiness not inferiour to the Grand Seignors, for although he had in his Seraglio the injoyment of an hundred or more of the most select beauties of the Universe, yet did I fancy all those external glories contracted into one, and possessed my matchless Mistress. As she was fair, so well featured, sprightly and young, four dangerous advantages, when they are accompanied with Wit, Dissimulation, Craft and Impudence, with a covetous desire of injoying of what others possest. She could not be ignorant of her trade, since her Mother was a profest Bawd from the time she brought her into the world. Taking notice of her extraordinary handsomness even from the Cradle, she resolved to dedicate her to the service of Venus, not doubting but the bent of her nature would render her very capable of that employ. Being about thirteen years of age, her beauty was so much taken notice of, that her lovers swarmed about her. The old Bawd her Mother was so overjoyed to see so large and goodly a Troop of Cupids Lanciers, her daughters life-guard, and doubted not now but that she should obtain the plenary fruition of her hopes, and therefore entertained them all, yet watching them so narrowly, that none should taste her fruit unless they bought the tree at a dear rate. She so well observed her daughters natural policy that she was well assured her insinuations would in a little time command both the hearts and purses of those who courted her. Her design proved as fortunate as she could wish, in as much as among the many that languished for her, there was one so wealthy as that he never knew the want of a thousand pound, whose heart was inflamed by her eyes.
She had now assumed the title of Madam, which one should think belonged to none but who are nobly extracted, however, why should she baulk it, since it is an honour costs little or nothing, and as soon conferred as spoken. This Gentleman was so insnared by the witchcrafts of a lovely face, that though he knew the profession and practice of the Mother, and the daughters want of honour, honesty and wealth, yet he resolved upon a marriage within few days without the tediousness of Treaties. When there was a firm contract concluded between them before witnesses, the charitable Bawd his intended Mother in law, came to him, and told him if his stomack was raw and could not stay so long till the meat was served up with the usual ceremonies; he should have a bit for a stay, and taste beforehand, the proposition was not unwellcome to him, wherefore he instantly took earnest of the happiness he vainly believed would bear him company durante vita. Not long after they had their nuptials celebrated, and that he might not disparage himself in the worlds eye, as to his inconsiderable choice; he bought his wife at his proper charge, new cloaths, splendid enough you may guess, with the appendixes of gallantry, rings, jewels, &c. and so brought her home to his house in much state. She had not long lived with him, but she followed the dictates of a luxurious disposition, and a libertine, hating to have her liberty circumscribed or bounded, especially by one so remote to her nature and unsuitable in years, wherefore under pretence of visiting this friend and that couzen, she so blinded her old Husband by this plausible excuse as that she made her frequent sallies abroad pimp for her desires. Her Husband observing her often gaddings and profuse expences, could do no less then suspect more then he was willing to understand, and therefore not only abridged the liberty she took, but devested her of those ornaments he had bestowed upon her, which so animated her to revenge, that she resolved not to let slip the first opportunity. She soon got acquainted with one suitable to her purpose, a person as much ingaged in debauchery, as his credit was in the world, yet so pleasant he appeared in her eyes, as that a little courting made her wholly at his devotion. Hence we may observe the dangerous consequences of disproportion of age in matching. Surely there can be no agreement between fire and water, between freezing Winter, and Scorching Summer. Besides when a Woman comes once to have mean thoughts of her Husband (upon any account whatever) She is then in the way to affect any body else. She now not only slighted, but hated him, which made her launch out into all the excesses that exasperated, and vicious Woman-kind can imagine or contrive, from whence she may either derive satisfaction or advantage, neither could she want assistance or councel, as long as the old experienced Bawd her mother lived.
This good old Dotard finding himself so abused, that the whole world must needs call his reason in question; if he suffered any longer his loose wife to Career thus in Luxury and Wantonness, resolved within himself to call her to a severe accompt, intending withal to reduce her by kindness, as well as sharpness, and so equally to temper his frowns with smiles, that she should not tell which of those two ingredients were most powerful in the effecting the cure of his lust sick-wanton.
Returning one evening from her revels abroad, the old Cuckold took her to task; sharply reproving her for her Gaddings, her Tavern meetings, with debauched and licentious persons; her lavish expence in paying the Recknings where ever she came, but especially her supplying the necessities of lusty younger Brothers, which resupplyed hers. The old man had so spent his spirits and breath, in schooling his Lecherous Truant, that he was forced to conclude his wormwood Lecture in an excessive cough; the inseperable Companion of him and Age. My bucksome Madam fearing he was streining for more of that unpleasing stuff, which had so lately offended her ears, left him half strangled with a Tysick.
In this Interval, a female Neighbour of his came in, a Gentlewoman of that worth; that Virtue and Gentility contended in her for priority: How is it I pray Sir (said she) I am much troubled to see you in this condition? You lie, you lie, you Whore (said he) his ears being so furd by Time, that he could not distinguish this Gentlewomans voice from his Wifes, neither could he see, his violent coughing having forced down such a torrent of moisture into his eyes; that his sight was totally drowned: Continuing his railing; See me in this condition? I believe you would be glad to see me out of it, you Strumpet, Lump of Lechery, Cheat, she Devil, what shall I call thee; there is no name too bad: And then cought again so violently, that it was in vain to speak to him; but when this violent fit abated, she resolved to say something, though her amazment to hear what she neither deserved, nor expected, would hardly give her permission. At last she spake to him, and reasoned with him, why he should thus stain her honour which was hitherto spotless, undefiled; that her actions had ever been so far from rendring her, what he unworthily represented, that they made her famous, and lookt on as a good example for her Neighbours to follow and immitate. I, I; infamous you mean (said he) and let me alone to make you such an example, that you shall have followers enough to see you Carted, you Bitch whore. Why, who am I said the Gentlewoman, that you thus abuse me? Am I, (said he) you are Touch-wood, Tinder, Salt peter, Gunpowder, Wildfire, nay, worse then all this, my Wife.
By this the Gentlewoman verily concluded him to be mad, and fearing least his frenzie might be converted into fury, was thinking to slip from him just as his cough left him, and his eyes again restored to him, with the insight of his mistake; which made him much condemn his fallacious age, that had put this trick on him.
Apologies (as many as this old mans sterile invention could frame) were not wanting to excuse this absurdity and errour: Neither was his Wife without the height of mirth behind the Hangings, to hear how much her doting fool was mistaken; who had not patience any longer to discourse his Visitant, but abruptly left her in quest of his abused Wife as he now supposed, imagining from this grand mistake, that what ever before he had either seen or heard of his wife, was nothing but the genuine product of his own idle and jealous brain. After he had made a strict enquiry through the whole house for his wife, he at length found her out cloistered in a Garret, into which she had conveyed her self coming softly behind the Hangings, wherein she had hid herself; and the better to colour her intended Villany, hearing her Husband ascend the Stairs, she put her self into a praying posture.
The old man seeing her on her knees, had like to have broke his neck for hast, not minding so much the disturbance he would give her (pretended) devotion, as the satisfaction he injoyed to see his mistake confirmed. Being out of breath, his discourse was abrupt and broken, neither did he know which was most expedient, either first to question her, or crave her pardon: at length he threw himself at her feet (for indeed he could hardly stand upon his feeble Legs;) and hanging down his Head (I knew not whether he cried) a salt Rhume gushed through the port holes of his Head, which looked like scalding Teares; and so they might be, for by their burning heat, any might conclude the loss of the hair of his Eyelids, and that thereby the shriveled skin of his Countenance was parcht. It was a long time ere he could speak, and no wonder, since this was the second time of his Infancy; but at length with much ado, with a look as pittiful as his Rhetorick, he asked forgivness. She seemed strangly surprized and not only wondred at, but taxt him for the Irrationality of his Petition. The pretence of her ignorance in what had past, made him the more eager to discover his ridiculous folly. In short, he gave her to understand, that since he was mistaken in a thing so palpable, he might very well question whither all former reports, and his own evil opinion of her, might not be posited on the same basis of falshood. That for the time to come, he would never admit of jealousie within his breast, and to give a full confirmation to what he protested; he instantly delivered her his Keys, committing to her trust what he had of greatest value. This cunning Quean would not accept this kind proffer, but with much pressing, and then sealing his pardon with a kiss, an everlasting affection was seemingly agreed upon. For two or three months after she behaved her self so well, that had her Husband had Argus his hundred eyes, he could not perceive any thing that might blemish her Reputation, or trouble his head.
Her Cue being come to enter and act her part on the Stage of deceit, she appeared and managed her business to the purpose. For having given her Mother a Catalogue of those rich things she had in her possession; she never left her daughter till they had conveyed all away which might be carried in the day time without any notice taken; and at an appointed night getting the Servants to bed and delivering the Key of the street-door to the old Bawd her Mother, she played the part of a Woman in general, by lulling her Husband in bed by dissimulation and flattery, into a fond opinion of her cordiality to him, whilst her agents then were leaving him as naked of goods, as he was at that time of Apparel. In the morning she arose by times, before the old man was stiring, and went instantly to her mother who had provided her lodgings. Then did she change her name to hinder detection; and that she might add to her security, she never went abroad but with her Vizard Mask, and in as many varietys of Suits as there are months in the year, which though but thirteen, yet did she make them ring as many changes as BOW BELLS.
Not long after she had played this exploit, it was my unhappiness to be acquainted with her, by coming accidentally to our Shop, where buying some wares, it was so ordered that I must bring them to her Chamber. According to the time appointed I waited on her, but found myself extremely mistaken in my Chapwoman. For instead of paying me for my commodity, she would have truckt with me Ware for Ware; which I would no ways assent to; finding me no fit person for her purpose, she dismist me by discharging the debt. This passage did so run in my mind, that I could not be at quiet till I had purposed a time to visit her, and indeed I was forceably prickt on thereunto by those matchless features I saw in her incomparable face. My Master riding out of Town I found a very fit opportunity to make my address to her, which I thought would be the more welcome by bringing a present with me.
Her memorie was so good that she knew me again and shrewdly guessed at my Errant, and indeed I was not long in the discovery thereof: There were but two words to a bargain, and so struck up the business: So much delight I took in her at that time, and she in me, that we interchangably promised each others constancy of affection.
Mine and my females extravagancies, made me invent as many ways to cheat, as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten. If I had heard any friend say, they must buy a Gown, I had my Mercer ready for that purpose: If a Suit and Cloak, my Draper, and the like; sometimes telling my friend, That I was acquainted with one that would sell me a far cheaper pennyworth than any one else: other times, that such an one owed me some moneys, and that this way I could both pleasure my friend, and hedge in mine own debt. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving still ready cash, yet this would not do alone. As an assistance, I guelded the money-box every day, receiving my part first, before my Matter should take his, which usually he did every night, putting it into his Till. I could not sleep for thinking how I might be intimately acquainted with the inwards of this same Till. Several projects I made tryal of, but none suited my purpose so well, as a Barbers pair of Curling irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my Curling irons, filing them to slip in easily, and to turn round. The first Essay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Extasie for joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pinched the money below; holding fast, I turned them on their side, and so drew up the money to the mouth of the Scotch: now because there was many times so much, that it would not come through, with a knife I would slide away piece after piece, till I had fitted the money to the narrowness of the passage. I seldom brought up at a time less than three shillings, a good draught, not ceasing till I had gotten twenty or thirty shillings at a time, or more, according to the quantity of the stock. Finding my Engine act according to my desires, I could not be content without congratulating my success. My Master was seldom at home, wherefore I askt my Mistress to go out for an hour, promising her not to stay beyond my limited time: She consented and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or two, and away we went to honest Ralph. Being glad to see us, he planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose. There was never a Pint he scored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breeches for it. They all wondred to see me so frollick, but I thought it wisdom to conceal the depth of my practice from them.
After we had drank very smartly, I came home, transgressing but a little beyond my time. My Mistress was very well pleased, telling me, I should have leave another time, since I was so punctual. Those Bottles of Sack we drank, ran perpetually in my minde, for it was the very flower of Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtesie, and the goodness of that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterize a Bottle of Canary, thus.
