"A gentleman of large fortune and of poliſhed manners, had lately viſited very frequently at our houſe, and treated me, if poſſible, with more reſpect than Mr. Venables paid him; my pregnancy was not yet viſible, his ſociety was a great relief to me, as I had for ſome time paſt, to avoid expence, confined myſelf very much at home. I ever diſdained unneceſſary, perhaps even prudent concealments; and my huſband, with great eaſe, diſcovered the amount of my uncle's parting preſent. A copy of a writ was the ſtale pretext to extort it from me; and I had ſoon reaſon to believe that it was[45] fabricated for the purpoſe. I acknowledge my folly in thus ſuffering myſelf to be continually impoſed on. I had adhered to my reſolution not to apply to my uncle, on the part of my huſband, any more; yet, when I had received a ſum ſufficient to ſupply my own wants, and to enable me to purſue a plan I had in view, to ſettle my younger brother in a reſpectable employment, I allowed myſelf to be duped by Mr. Venables' ſhallow pretences, and hypocritical profeſſions.
"Thus did he pillage me and my family, thus fruſtrate all my plans of uſefulneſs. Yet this was the man I was bound to reſpect and eſteem: as if reſpect and eſteem depended on an arbitrary will of our own! But a wife being as much a man's property as his horſe, or his aſs, ſhe has nothing ſhe[46] can call her own. He may uſe any means to get at what the law conſiders as his, the moment his wife is in poſſeſſion of it, even to the forcing of a lock, as Mr. Venables did, to ſearch for notes in my writing-deſk—and all this is done with a ſhow of equity, becauſe, forſooth, he is reſponſible for her maintenance.
"The tender mother cannot lawfully ſnatch from the gripe of the gambling ſpendthrift, or beaſtly drunkard, unmindful of his offſpring, the fortune which falls to her by chance; or (ſo flagrant is the injuſtice) what ſhe earns by her own exertions. No; he can rob her with impunity, even to waſte publicly on a courtezan; and the laws of her country—if women have a country—afford her no protection or redreſs from the oppreſſor, un[47]leſs ſhe have the plea of bodily fear; yet how many ways are there of goading the ſoul almoſt to madneſs, equally unmanly, though not ſo mean? When ſuch laws were framed, ſhould not impartial lawgivers have firſt decreed, in the ſtyle of a great aſſembly, who recognized the exiſtence of an être ſuprême, to fix the national belief, that the huſband ſhould always be wiſer and more virtuous than his wife, in order to entitle him, with a ſhow of juſtice, to keep this idiot, or perpetual minor, for ever in bondage. But I muſt have done—on this ſubject, my indignation continually runs away with me.
"The company of the gentleman I have already mentioned, who had a general acquaintance with literature and ſubjects of taſte, was grateful to me; my countenance brightened up as[48] he approached, and I unaffectedly expreſſed the pleaſure I felt. The amuſement his converſation afforded me, made it eaſy to comply with my huſband's requeſt, to endeavour to render our houſe agreeable to him.
"His attentions became more pointed; but, as I was not of the number of women, whoſe virtue, as it is termed, immediately takes alarm, I endeavoured, rather by raillery than ſerious expoſtulation, to give a different turn to his converſation. He aſſumed a new mode of attack, and I was, for a while, the dupe of his pretended friendſhip.
"I had, merely in the ſtyle of badinage, boaſted of my conqueſt, and repeated his lover-like compliments to my huſband. But he begged me, for God's ſake, not to affront his friend, or[49] I ſhould deſtroy all his projects, and be his ruin. Had I had more affection for my huſband, I ſhould have expreſſed my contempt of this time-ſerving politeneſs: now I imagined that I only felt pity; yet it would have puzzled a caſuiſt to point out in what the exact difference conſiſted.
"This friend began now, in confidence, to diſcover to me the real ſtate of my huſband's affairs. 'Neceſſity,' ſaid Mr. S——; why ſhould I reveal his name? for he affected to palliate the conduct he could not excuſe, 'had led him to take ſuch ſteps, by accommodation bills, buying goods on credit, to ſell them for ready money, and ſimilar tranſactions, that his character in the commercial world was gone. He was conſidered,' he added, lowering his voice, 'on 'Change as a ſwindler.'
[50] "I felt at that moment the firſt maternal pang. Aware of the evils my ſex have to ſtruggle with, I ſtill wiſhed, for my own conſolation, to be the mother of a daughter; and I could not bear to think, that the ſins of her father's entailed diſgrace, ſhould be added to the ills to which woman is heir.
"So completely was I deceived by theſe ſhows of friendſhip (nay, I believe, according to his interpretation, Mr. S— really was my friend) that I began to conſult him reſpecting the beſt mode of retrieving my huſband's character: it is the good name of a woman only that ſets to riſe no more. I knew not that he had been drawn into a whirlpool, out of which he had not the energy to attempt to eſcape. He ſeemed indeed deſtitute of the power of employing his faculties in any regu[51]lar purſuit. His principles of action were ſo looſe, and his mind ſo uncultivated, that every thing like order appeared to him in the ſhape of reſtraint; and, like men in the ſavage ſtate, he required the ſtrong ſtimulus of hope or fear, produced by wild ſpeculations, in which the intereſts of others went for nothing, to keep his ſpirits awake. He one time poſſeſſed patriotiſm, but he knew not what it was to feel honeſt indignation; and pretended to be an advocate for liberty, when, with as little affection for the human race as for individuals, he thought of nothing but his own gratification. He was juſt ſuch a citizen, as a father. The ſums he adroitly obtained by a violation of the laws of his country, as well as thoſe of humanity, he would allow a miſtreſs to ſquander; though ſhe was,[52] with the ſame ſang froid, conſigned, as were his children, to poverty, when another proved more attractive.
"On various pretences, his friend continued to viſit me; and, obſerving my want of money, he tried to induce me to accept of pecuniary aid; but this offer I abſolutely rejected, though it was made with ſuch delicacy, I could not be diſpleaſed.
"One day he came, as I thought accidentally, to dinner. My huſband was very much engaged in buſineſs, and quitted the room ſoon after the cloth was removed. We converſed as uſual, till confidential advice led again to love. I was extremely mortified. I had a ſincere regard for him, and hoped that he had an equal friendſhip for me. I therefore began mildly to expoſtulate with him. This gentle[53]neſs he miſtook for coy encouragement; and he would not be diverted from the ſubject. Perceiving his miſtake, I ſeriouſly aſked him how, uſing ſuch language to me, he could profeſs to be my huſband's friend? A ſignificant ſneer excited my curioſity, and he, ſuppoſing this to be my only ſcruple, took a letter deliberately out of his pocket, ſaying, 'Your huſband's honour is not inflexible. How could you, with your diſcernment, think it ſo? Why, he left the room this very day on purpoſe to give me an opportunity to explain myſelf; he thought me too timid—too tardy.'
"I ſnatched the letter with indeſcribable emotion. The purport of it was to invite him to dinner, and to ridicule his chivalrous reſpect for me. He aſſured him, 'that every woman had[54] her price, and, with groſs indecency, hinted, that he ſhould be glad to have the duty of a huſband taken off his hands. Theſe he termed liberal ſentiments. He adviſed him not to ſhock my romantic notions, but to attack my credulous generoſity, and weak pity; and concluded with requeſting him to lend him five hundred pounds for a month or ſix weeks.' I read this letter twice over; and the firm purpoſe it inſpired, calmed the riſing tumult of my ſoul. I roſe deliberately, requeſted Mr. S—— to wait a moment, and inſtantly going into the counting-houſe, deſired Mr. Venables to return with me to the dining-parlour.
"He laid down his pen, and entered with me, without obſerving any change in my countenance. I ſhut the door, and, giving him the letter, ſimply[55] aſked, 'whether he wrote it, or was it a forgery?'
"Nothing could equal his confuſion. His friend's eye met his, and he muttered ſomething about a joke—But I interrupted him—'It is ſufficient—We part for ever.'
"I continued, with ſolemnity, 'I have borne with your tyranny and infidelities. I diſdain to utter what I have borne with. I thought you unprincipled, but not ſo decidedly vicious. I formed a tie, in the ſight of heaven—I have held it ſacred; even when men, more conformable to my taſte, have made me feel—I deſpiſe all ſubterfuge!—that I was not dead to love. Neglected by you, I have reſolutely ſtifled the enticing emotions, and reſpected the plighted faith you outraged. And you dare now to inſult[56] me, by ſelling me to proſtitution!—Yes—equally loſt to delicacy and principle—you dared ſacrilegiouſly to barter the honour of the mother of your child.'
"Then, turning to Mr. S——, I added, 'I call on you, Sir, to witneſs,' and I lifted my hands and eyes to heaven, 'that, as ſolemnly as I took his name, I now abjure it,' I pulled off my ring, and put it on the table; 'and that I mean immediately to quit his houſe, never to enter it more. I will provide for myſelf and child. I leave him as free as I am determined to be myſelf—he ſhall be anſwerable for no debts of mine.'
"Aſtoniſhment cloſed their lips, till Mr. Venables, gently puſhing his friend, with a forced ſmile, out of the room, nature for a moment prevailed,[57] and, appearing like himſelf, he turned round, burning with rage, to me: but there was no terror in the frown, excepting when contraſted with the malignant ſmile which preceded it. He bade me 'leave the houſe at my peril; told me he deſpiſed my threats; I had no reſource; I could not ſwear the peace againſt him!—I was not afraid of my life!—he had never ſtruck me!'
"He threw the letter in the fire, which I had incautiouſly left in his hands; and, quitting the room, locked the door on me.
"When left alone, I was a moment or two before I could recollect myſelf. One ſcene had ſucceeded another with ſuch rapidity, I almoſt doubted whether I was reflecting on a real event. 'Was it poſſible? Was I, indeed, free?'—Yes; free I termed myſelf,[58] when I decidedly perceived the conduct I ought to adopt. How had I panted for liberty—liberty, that I would have purchaſed at any price, but that of my own eſteem! I roſe, and ſhook myſelf; opened the window, and methought the air never ſmelled ſo ſweet. The face of heaven grew fairer as I viewed it, and the clouds ſeemed to flit away obedient to my wiſhes, to give my ſoul room to expand. I was all ſoul, and (wild as it may appear) felt as if I could have diſſolved in the ſoft balmy gale that kiſſed my cheek, or have glided below the horizon on the glowing, deſcending beams. A ſeraphic ſatiſfaction animated, without agitating my ſpirits; and my imagination collected, in viſions ſublimely terrible, or ſoothingly beautiful, an immenſe variety of the endleſs images, which nature[59] affords, and fancy combines, of the grand and fair. The luſtre of theſe bright pictureſque ſketches faded with the ſetting ſun; but I was ſtill alive to the calm delight they had diffuſed through my heart.
"There may be advocates for matrimonial obedience, who, making a diſtinction between the duty of a wife and of a human being, may blame my conduct.—To them I write not—my feelings are not for them to analyze; and may you, my child, never be able to aſcertain, by heart-rending experience, what your mother felt before the preſent emancipation of her mind!
"I began to write a letter to my father, after cloſing one to my uncle; not to aſk advice, but to ſignify my determination; when I was interrupted by the entrance of Mr. Venables. His[60] manner was changed. His views on my uncle's fortune made him averſe to my quitting his houſe, or he would, I am convinced, have been glad to have ſhaken off even the ſlight reſtraint my preſence impoſed on him; the reſtraint of ſhowing me ſome reſpect. So far from having an affection for me, he really hated me, becauſe he was convinced that I muſt deſpiſe him.
"He told me, that, 'As I now had had time to cool and reflect, he did not doubt but that my prudence, and nice ſenſe of propriety, would lead me to overlook what was paſſed.'
"'Reflection,' I replied, 'had only confirmed my purpoſe, and no power on earth could divert me from it.'
"Endeavouring to aſſume a ſoothing voice and look, when he would willingly have tortured me, to force me to[61] feel his power, his countenance had an infernal expreſſion, when he deſired me, 'Not to expoſe myſelf to the ſervants, by obliging him to confine me in my apartment; if then I would give my promiſe not to quit the houſe precipitately, I ſhould be free—and—.' I declared, interrupting him, 'that I would promiſe nothing. I had no meaſures to keep with him—I was reſolved, and would not condeſcend to ſubterfuge.'
"He muttered, 'that I ſhould ſoon repent of theſe prepoſterous airs;' and, ordering tea to be carried into my little ſtudy, which had a communication with my bed-chamber, he once more locked the door upon me, and left me to my own meditations. I had paſſively followed him up ſtairs, not wiſhing to fatigue myſelf with unavailing exertion.
"Nothing calms the mind like a[62] fixed purpoſe. I felt as if I had heaved a thouſand weight from my heart; the atmoſphere ſeemed lightened; and, if I execrated the inſtitutions of ſociety, which thus enable men to tyrannize over women, it was almoſt a diſintereſted ſentiment. I diſregarded preſent inconveniences, when my mind had done ſtruggling with itſelf,—when reaſon and inclination had ſhaken hands and were at peace. I had no longer the cruel taſk before me, in endleſs perſpective, aye, during the tedious for ever of life, of labouring to overcome my repugnance—of labouring to extinguiſh the hopes, the maybes of a lively imagination. Death I had hailed as my only chance for deliverance; but, while exiſtence had ſtill ſo many charms, and life promiſed happineſs, I ſhrunk from the icy arms[63] of an unknown tyrant, though far more inviting than thoſe of the man, to whom I ſuppoſed myſelf bound without any other alternative; and was content to linger a little longer, waiting for I knew not what, rather than leave 'the warm precincts of the cheerful day,' and all the unenjoyed affection of my nature.
"My preſent ſituation gave a new turn to my reflection; and I wondered (now the film ſeemed to be withdrawn, that obſcured the piercing ſight of reaſon) how I could, previouſly to the deciding outrage, have conſidered myſelf as everlaſtingly united to vice and folly? 'Had an evil genius caſt a ſpell at my birth; or a demon ſtalked out of chaos, to perplex my underſtanding, and enchain my will, with deluſive prejudices?'
"I purſued this train of thinking; it[64] led me out of myſelf, to expatiate on the miſery peculiar to my ſex. 'Are not,' I thought, 'the deſpots for ever ſtigmatized, who, in the wantonneſs of power, commanded even the moſt atrocious criminals to be chained to dead bodies? though ſurely thoſe laws are much more inhuman, which forge adamantine fetters to bind minds together, that never can mingle in ſocial communion! What indeed can equal the wretchedneſs of that ſtate, in which there is no alternative, but to extinguiſh the affections, or encounter infamy?'
[65]