"Towards midnight Mr. Venables entered my chamber; and, with calm audacity preparing to go to bed, he bade me make haſte, 'for that was the beſt place for huſbands and wives to end their differences. He had been drinking plentifully to aid his courage.
"I did not at firſt deign to reply. But perceiving that he affected to take my ſilence for conſent, I told him that, 'If he would not go to another bed, or allow me, I ſhould ſit up in my ſtudy all night.' He attempted to pull me into the chamber, half joking. But I reſiſted; and, as he had determined not to give me any reaſon for ſaying that he uſed violence, after a few more ef[66]forts, he retired, curſing my obſtinacy, to bed.
"I ſat muſing ſome time longer; then, throwing my cloak around me, prepared for ſleep on a ſopha. And, ſo fortunate ſeemed my deliverance, ſo ſacred the pleaſure of being thus wrapped up in myſelf, that I ſlept profoundly, and woke with a mind compoſed to encounter the ſtruggles of the day. Mr. Venables did not wake till ſome hours after; and then he came to me half-dreſſed, yawning and ſtretching, with haggard eyes, as if he ſcarcely recollected what had paſſed the preceding evening. He fixed his eyes on me for a moment, then, calling me a fool, aſked 'How long I intended to continue this pretty farce? For his part, he was deviliſh ſick of it; but this was the plague of marrying women who pretended to know ſomething.'
[67] "I made no other reply to this harangue, than to ſay, 'That he ought to be glad to get rid of a woman ſo unfit to be his companion—and that any change in my conduct would be mean diſſimulation; for maturer reflection only gave the ſacred ſeal of reaſon to my firſt reſolution.'
"He looked as if he could have ſtamped with impatience, at being obliged to ſtifle his rage; but, conquering his anger (for weak people, whoſe paſſions ſeem the moſt ungovernable, reſtrain them with the greateſt eaſe, when they have a ſufficient motive), he exclaimed, 'Very pretty, upon my ſoul! very pretty, theatrical flouriſhes! Pray, fair Roxana, ſtoop from your altitudes, and remember that you are acting a part in real life.'
"He uttered this ſpeech with a ſelf-[68]ſatiſfied air, and went down ſtairs to dreſs.
"In about an hour he came to me again; and in the ſame tone ſaid, 'That he came as my gentleman-uſher to hand me down to breakfaſt.
"'Of the black rod?' aſked I.
"This queſtion, and the tone in which I aſked it, a little diſconcerted him. To ſay the truth, I now felt no reſentment; my firm reſolution to free myſelf from my ignoble thraldom, had abſorbed the various emotions which, during ſix years, had racked my ſoul. The duty pointed out by my principles ſeemed clear; and not one tender feeling intruded to make me ſwerve: The diſlike which my huſband had inſpired was ſtrong; but it only led me to wiſh to avoid, to wiſh to let him drop out of my memory; there was no miſery, no[69] torture that I would not deliberately have choſen, rather than renew my leaſe of ſervitude.
"During the breakfaſt, he attempted to reaſon with me on the folly of romantic ſentiments; for this was the indiſcriminate epithet he gave to every mode of conduct or thinking ſuperior to his own. He aſſerted, 'that all the world were governed by their own intereſt; thoſe who pretended to be actuated by different motives, were only deeper knaves, or fools crazed by books, who took for goſpel all the rodomantade nonſenſe written by men who knew nothing of the world. For his part, he thanked God, he was no hypocrite; and, if he ſtretched a point ſometimes, it was always with an intention of paying every man his own.'
"He then artfully inſinuated, 'that[70] he daily expected a veſſel to arrive, a ſucceſſful ſpeculation, that would make him eaſy for the preſent, and that he had ſeveral other ſchemes actually depending, that could not fail. He had no doubt of becoming rich in a few years, though he had been thrown back by ſome unlucky adventures at the ſetting out.'
"I mildly replied, 'That I wiſhed he might not involve himſelf ſtill deeper.'
"He had no notion that I was governed by a deciſion of judgment, not to be compared with a mere ſpurt of reſentment. He knew not what it was to feel indignation againſt vice, and often boaſted of his placable temper, and readineſs to forgive injuries. True; for he only conſidered the being deceived, as an effort of ſkill he had not guarded againſt; and then, with a cant[71] of candour, would obſerve, 'that he did not know how he might himſelf have been tempted to act in the ſame circumſtances.' And, as his heart never opened to friendſhip, it never was wounded by diſappointment. Every new acquaintance he proteſted, it is true, was 'the clevereſt fellow in the world;' and he really thought ſo; till the novelty of his converſation or manners ceaſed to have any effect on his ſluggiſh ſpirits. His reſpect for rank or fortune was more permanent, though he chanced to have no deſign of availing himſelf of the influence of either to promote his own views.
"After a prefatory converſation,—my blood (I thought it had been cooler) fluſhed over my whole countenance as he ſpoke—he alluded to my ſituation. He deſired me to reflect—'and act like[72] a prudent woman, as the beſt proof of my ſuperior underſtanding; for he muſt own I had ſenſe, did I know how to uſe it. I was not,' he laid a ſtreſs on his words, 'without my paſſions; and a huſband was a convenient cloke.—He was liberal in his way of thinking; and why might not we, like many other married people, who were above vulgar prejudices, tacitly conſent to let each other follow their own inclination?—He meant nothing more, in the letter I made the ground of complaint; and the pleaſure which I ſeemed to take in Mr. S.'s company, led him to conclude, that he was not diſagreeable to me.'
"A clerk brought in the letters of the day, and I, as I often did, while he was diſcuſſing ſubjects of buſineſs, went to the piano forte, and began to[73] play a favourite air to reſtore myſelf, as it were, to nature, and drive the ſophiſticated ſentiments I had juſt been obliged to liſten to, out of my ſoul.
"They had excited ſenſations ſimilar to thoſe I have felt, in viewing the ſqualid inhabitants of ſome of the lanes and back ſtreets of the metropolis, mortified at being compelled to conſider them as my fellow-creatures, as if an ape had claimed kindred with me. Or, as when ſurrounded by a mephitical fog, I have wiſhed to have a volley of cannon fired, to clear the incumbered atmoſphere, and give me room to breathe and move.
"My ſpirits were all in arms, and I played a kind of extemporary prelude. The cadence was probably wild and impaſſioned, while, loſt in thought, I[74] made the ſounds a kind of echo to my train of thinking.
"Pauſing for a moment, I met Mr. Venables' eyes. He was obſerving me with an air of conceited ſatiſfaction, as much as to ſay—'My laſt inſinuation has done the buſineſs—ſhe begins to know her own intereſt.' Then gathering up his letters, he ſaid, 'That he hoped he ſhould hear no more romantic ſtuff, well enough in a miſs juſt come from boarding ſchool;' and went, as was his cuſtom, to the counting-houſe. I ſtill continued playing; and, turning to a ſprightly leſſon, I executed it with uncommon vivacity. I heard footſteps approach the door, and was ſoon convinced that Mr. Venables was liſtening; the conſciouſneſs only gave more animation to my fingers. He went down into the kit[75]chen, and the cook, probably by his deſire, came to me, to know what I would pleaſe to order for dinner. Mr. Venables came into the parlour again, with apparent careleſſneſs. I perceived that the cunning man was over-reaching himſelf; and I gave my directions as uſual, and left the room.
"While I was making ſome alteration in my dreſs, Mr. Venables peeped in, and, begging my pardon for interrupting me, diſappeared. I took up ſome work (I could not read), and two or three meſſages were ſent to me, probably for no other purpoſe, but to enable Mr. Venables to aſcertain what I was about.
"I liſtened whenever I heard the ſtreet-door open; at laſt I imagined I could diſtinguiſh Mr. Venables' ſtep, going out. I laid aſide my work; my[76] heart palpitated; ſtill I was afraid haſtily to enquire; and I waited a long half hour, before I ventured to aſk the boy whether his maſter was in the counting-houſe?
"Being anſwered in the negative, I bade him call me a coach, and collecting a few neceſſaries haſtily together, with a little parcel of letters and papers which I had collected the preceding evening, I hurried into it, deſiring the coachman to drive to a diſtant part of the town.
"I almoſt feared that the coach would break down before I got out of the ſtreet; and, when I turned the corner, I ſeemed to breathe a freer air. I was ready to imagine that I was riſing above the thick atmoſphere of earth; or I felt, as wearied ſouls might be ſup[77]poſed to feel on entering another ſtate of exiſtence.
"I ſtopped at one or two ſtands of coaches to elude purſuit, and then drove round the ſkirts of the town to ſeek for an obſcure lodging, where I wiſhed to remain concealed, till I could avail myſelf of my uncle's protection. I had reſolved to aſſume my own name immediately, and openly to avow my determination, without any formal vindication, the moment I had found a home, in which I could reſt free from the daily alarm of expecting to ſee Mr. Venables enter.
"I looked at ſeveral lodgings; but finding that I could not, without a reference to ſome acquaintance, who might inform my tyrant, get admittance into a decent apartment—men have not all this trouble—I thought of[78] a woman whom I had aſſiſted to furniſh a little haberdaſher's ſhop, and who I knew had a firſt floor to let.
"I went to her, and though I could not perſuade her, that the quarrel between me and Mr. Venables would never be made up, ſtill ſhe agreed to conceal me for the preſent; yet aſſuring me at the ſame time, ſhaking her head, that, when a woman was once married, ſhe muſt bear every thing. Her pale face, on which appeared a thouſand haggard lines and delving wrinkles, produced by what is emphatically termed fretting, inforced her remark; and I had afterwards an opportunity of obſerving the treatment ſhe had to endure, which grizzled her into patience. She toiled from morning till night; yet her huſband would rob the till, and take away the money re[79]ſerved for paying bills; and, returning home drunk, he would beat her if ſhe chanced to offend him, though ſhe had a child at the breaſt.
"Theſe ſcenes awoke me at night; and, in the morning, I heard her, as uſual, talk to her dear Johnny—he, forſooth, was her maſter; no ſlave in the Weſt Indies had one more deſpotic; but fortunately ſhe was of the true Ruſſian breed of wives.
"My mind, during the few paſt days, ſeemed, as it were, diſengaged from my body; but, now the ſtruggle was over, I felt very forcibly the effect which perturbation of ſpirits produces on a woman in my ſituation.
"The apprehenſion of a miſcarriage, obliged me to confine myſelf to my apartment near a fortnight; but I wrote to my uncle's friend for money,[80] promiſing 'to call on him, and explain my ſituation, when I was well enough to go out; mean time I earneſtly intreated him, not to mention my place of abode to any one, leſt my huſband—ſuch the law conſidered him—ſhould diſturb the mind he could not conquer. I mentioned my intention of ſetting out for Liſbon, to claim my uncle's protection, the moment my health would permit.'
"The tranquillity however, which I was recovering, was ſoon interrupted. My landlady came up to me one day, with eyes ſwollen with weeping, unable to utter what ſhe was commanded to ſay. She declared, 'That ſhe was never ſo miſerable in her life; that ſhe muſt appear an ungrateful monſter; and that ſhe would readily go down on her knees to me, to intreat[81] me to forgive her, as ſhe had done to her huſband to ſpare her the cruel taſk.' Sobs prevented her from proceeding, or anſwering my impatient enquiries, to know what ſhe meant.
"When ſhe became a little more compoſed, ſhe took a newſpaper out of her pocket, declaring, 'that her heart ſmote her, but what could ſhe do?—ſhe muſt obey her huſband.' I ſnatched the paper from her. An advertiſement quickly met my eye, purporting, that 'Maria Venables had, without any aſſignable cauſe, abſconded from her huſband; and any perſon harbouring her, was menaced with the utmoſt ſeverity of the law.'
"Perfectly acquainted with Mr. Venables' meanneſs of ſoul, this ſtep did not excite my ſurpriſe, and ſcarcely my contempt. Reſentment in my[82] breaſt, never ſurvived love. I bade the poor woman, in a kind tone, wipe her eyes, and requeſt her huſband to come up, and ſpeak to me himſelf.
"My manner awed him. He reſpected a lady, though not a woman; and began to mutter out an apology.
"'Mr. Venables was a rich gentleman; he wiſhed to oblige me, but he had ſuffered enough by the law already, to tremble at the thought; beſides, for certain, we ſhould come together again, and then even I ſhould not thank him for being acceſſary to keeping us aſunder.—A huſband and wife were, God knows, juſt as one,—and all would come round at laſt.' He uttered a drawling 'Hem!' and then with an arch look, added—'Maſter might have had his little frolics—but[83]—Lord bleſs your heart!—men would be men while the world ſtands.'
"To argue with this privileged firſt-born of reaſon, I perceived, would be vain. I therefore only requeſted him to let me remain another day at his houſe, while I ſought for a lodging; and not to inform Mr. Venables that I had ever been ſheltered there.
"He conſented, becauſe he had not the courage to refuſe a perſon for whom he had an habitual reſpect; but I heard the pent-up choler burſt forth in curſes, when he met his wife, who was waiting impatiently at the foot of the ſtairs, to know what effect my expoſtulations would have on him.
"Without waſting any time in the fruitleſs indulgence of vexation, I once more ſet out in ſearch of an abode in[84] which I could hide myſelf for a few weeks.
"Agreeing to pay an exorbitant price, I hired an apartment, without any reference being required relative to my character: indeed, a glance at my ſhape ſeemed to ſay, that my motive for concealment was ſufficiently obvious. Thus was I obliged to ſhroud my head in infamy.
"To avoid all danger of detection—I uſe the appropriate word, my child, for I was hunted out like a felon—I determined to take poſſeſſion of my new lodgings that very evening.
"I did not inform my landlady where I was going. I knew that ſhe had a ſincere affection for me, and would willingly have run any riſk to ſhow her gratitude; yet I was fully convinced, that a few kind words from[85] Johnny would have found the woman in her, and her dear benefactreſs, as ſhe termed me in an agony of tears, would have been ſacrificed, to recompenſe her tyrant for condeſcending to treat her like an equal. He could be kind-hearted, as ſhe expreſſed it, when he pleaſed. And this thawed ſternneſs, contraſted with his habitual brutality, was the more acceptable, and could not be purchaſed at too dear a rate.
"The ſight of the advertiſement made me deſirous of taking refuge with my uncle, let what would be the conſequence; and I repaired in a hackney coach (afraid of meeting ſome perſon who might chance to know me, had I walked) to the chambers of my uncle's friend.
"He received me with great polite[86]neſs (my uncle had already prepoſſeſſed him in my favour), and liſtened, with intereſt, to my explanation of the motives which had induced me to fly from home, and ſkulk in obſcurity, with all the timidity of fear that ought only to be the companion of guilt. He lamented, with rather more gallantry than, in my ſituation, I thought delicate, that ſuch a woman ſhould be thrown away on a man inſenſible to the charms of beauty or grace. He ſeemed at a loſs what to adviſe me to do, to evade my huſband's ſearch, without haſtening to my uncle, whom, he heſitating ſaid, I might not find alive. He uttered this intelligence with viſible regret; requeſted me, at leaſt, to wait for the arrival of the next packet; offered me what money I wanted, and promiſed to viſit me.
[87] "He kept his word; ſtill no letter arrived to put an end to my painful ſtate of ſuſpenſe. I procured ſome books and muſic, to beguile the tedious ſolitary days.
'Come, ever ſmiling Liberty,'And with thee bring thy jocund train:'
I ſung—and ſung till, ſaddened by the ſtrain of joy, I bitterly lamented the fate that deprived me of all ſocial pleaſure. Comparative liberty indeed I had poſſeſſed myſelf of; but the jocund train lagged far behind!
[88]